This weekend is my weekend without my kids.
I went to Movie Trading Company, which is one of my favorite places, and decided to find a few movies that I would like to have. I went through each aisle, starting with the clearance section. I ended up with The Princess Diaries (a childhood favorite), Under the Tuscan Sun (a good picker-upper), Forgetting Sarah Marshall (something to make me laugh), and Paris Je Taime (a raw and amazing compilation of love stories). As I browsed, I noticed that my eyes would focus in on the love stories. You’ve Got Mail, The Notebook, When a Man Loves a Woman… and I realized how incredibly robbed I felt. Haha, now… don’t get it twisted. I realize they’re just movies. Movies aren’t real life. I get that. But I have always put so much faith in love being the way it is in movies.
I feel so dumb typing this. Just hear me out.
I unrealistically believed in the true love story. Love is way more complicated than that. Love isn’t easy. I’m fact, it is fucking complicated and hard. Divorce has taught me a lot. Betrayal has taught me a lot. Thinking that I knew someone has taught me a lot. I’m not being negative. I’m being practical and realistic for the first time in my life. I won’t give up hope that there is one person I will spend the rest of my life with happily and love them through and through, but I also am not holding my breath. I’m going to have fun. I’m going to be me, completely. I’m going to love myself and focus on me. After all, I’ve taken care of someone else my entire life. Not all the same people. But that is the role I assume, and it always has been.
There is something liberating about letting shit go and just focusing on yourself. It isn’t selfish. I realize that now. So tonight, I cooked myself some spaghetti, drank some wine, stretched out on the couch, and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It isn’t much, but it doesn’t have to be. I’m actually pretty okay with being alone. I enjoy having “me” time. One day I just might meet that someone I want to share my life with. But that day is not today, and in the meantime, I’m gonna celebrate me and all I have to offer ❤️